Super Bowl Sunday

Monday, 11 December 2017

Of course the Atlanta Falcons pulled off the worst loss in the history of football

The greatest sports moment I’ve ever seen, and it didn’t matter much

So there I was, flat on my back and hollering at either the moon or my wife — whichever was listening at the time — in that special state of drunkenness, the one where you’re drunk enough to say the things drunk people say, but sober enough to wake up the next day, remember all of it, and know you meant it. It’s like floating away from your body, observing the most unhinged version of yourself, and then stepping back in with a clearer assessment of all your wildest ideas. Also, your neighbors get to listen.

One of the things I heard myself howling after midnight as my wife confiscated the bourbon bottle was something about being chosen by God and geography to bear the unnecessary burden of Atlanta Falcons fandom. Hearing that First-World Problems whine made me laugh at the embarrassing wreck that was piled on the wet porch, dirtying its prized Deion Sanders throwback jersey. The next thing I heard that wreck say wasn’t quite as funny.

“Football has existed for 150 years, and the Atlanta Falcons just suffered the sport’s worst loss ever.”

As soon as Drunk Me said it, Sober Me knew it was true.

Listen. My people don’t get to claim much, as far as team sports titles go. You’ve seen this fact in Atlanta Explainers over the last two weeks. All we have are Slam Dunk Contest victories, some old college football stuff, and a 1-4 World Series record. Every time we reach a big stage, we burn down the theater, and with no history to fall back on, it just hurts more each time. I hate it most for the Falcons players who were just introduced to this.

So let us have this. Let us lay claim to the worst loss in the history of American football. We need this medal. Thank you.

You’re thinking of other candidates. That’s fine. Let’s go through some.

There have been thousands of mortifying losses below the major college level. The Texas high school YouTube legend is a valid all-timer. But Pop Warner and high school games were not Super Bowls, in my opinion. A championship no one outside a single state cares about can hardly join this debate. The Falcons were out here letting down the entire world, not just some state’s Class 6A football fans.

And college games are tricky, with FBS only having a couple dozen or so bona fide championship games in its ancient history.

Alabama’s 2016 loss to Clemson is comparable to what the Falcons just achieved, though the Tide’s collapse was nowhere near as drastic. Georgia in 2012 came one tipped pass in Atlanta away from getting to beat Notre Dame for a title, though the 2012 Falcons did almost literally the same thing. (It’s a great sports state.) Also in the recent running: 2007 West Virginia’s loss to arch rival Pitt, Oregon’s 2007 loss of Dennis Dixon, various other 2007 events nationwide, every team that has to play Auburn during one of those Magic Auburn Years, every time a Florida State-Miami game comes down to a kick, amazingly many Michigan and Tennessee games, and so on.

But still: those were title shots, not title games. To approach a Super Bowl loss, we have to be talking championship. (Also, get any loss by Alabama out of my face. Go cry into your large piles of trophies.)

2011 LSU is a candidate, with its rematch loss to Bama the rare exception to the thinking that it hurts less to get blown out in a championship than to lose close (CAN CONFIRM). Miami’s suspect 2002 loss to Ohio State is up there. The Vince Young Rose Bowl is more of a Great Game than a Gut-Wrenching Loss, but throw it in, along with whatever else. Oh, Auburn’s Michael Dyer was down against Oregon.

The thing is: Teams like LSU, Miami, and USC had previous titles to console themselves with. The Falcons have none. Neither does Oregon. Oregon, you can stay on the list.

At the NFL level, let’s overlook non-Super Bowl events like the Bills’ 32-point comeback in 1992’s playoffs to beat the Oilers because, bear with me now, those were not Super Bowls. (If we consider non-Super Bowls, I’ll filibuster with other Falcons playoff meltdowns anyway.)

The Patriots’ 2007 loss to the Giants did ruin a perfect season, but New England had just won half of the previous six Super Bowls. Similar story for the 2014 Seahawks, whose coaching staff goofed away a win over New England (hello), as Seattle had won the Super Bowl the year prior. If your team has ever won a Super Bowl before, let alone a recent one, we’re really not speaking the same language. In my current condition, I cannot be expected to acknowledge the emotions of anyone who’s able to call up comforting memories.

Others like the the Bills’ Wide Right, the Titans’ 1-yard-short loss to the Rams, the Bengals falling prey to Joe Montana, and the Broncos going up by 10 before losing by 32 to Washington are in the running, sure.

Regardless, I’ll submit the fact that a 25-point collapse to cough up your first Super Bowl win ever is worse than any of that kind of stuff.

Losing on a single play sucks, but it happens to somebody every week of every year. Losing despite a four-score lead with 21 minutes to go doesn’t happen, let alone in the Super Bowl.

For about an hour, we were growing certain we were going to win. WR Mohamed Sanu said after the game that his teammates were thinking the game was all but won. The W was so assured — up to 99.8 percent win probability, per ESPN, meaning we could restart the game in the middle of the third quarter 100 times and expect the Falcons to win roughly all 100 — that even Falcons fans began to assume victory. We don’t get to assume victory with a two-score late lead over the damn Chargers, yet we had such a lead over the NFL’s greatest winning machine that we were discussing parade plans. Killer Mike’s “Big Beast” was queued up to start the postgame playlist. My nerves were nearly settled enough to eat something for the first time all day. One person at our party ordered a custom-designed victory shirt instead of waiting for the official ones. I had tattoo plans and a Devonta Freeman Super Bowl LI jersey in the shopping cart. You’ll never get to see the Outkast-themed Atlanta victory meme that @SBNationGIF had prepped. Matt Ryan and other longtime Falcons had to face the media after that.

And now things are so bad, Saints fans, our lifelong hate-siblings in mediocrity, other than that one game they won, are offering condolences.

Listen. Y’all.

Falcons fans working at sporting goods stores had to take our first-ever championship merch back off of mannequins in the middle of the night as news cameras filmed it all.

I can’t watch that without going back to the crawlspace. Goodbye.

Super Bowl 51 would’ve been improved by college football’s overtime rule

Super Bowl 51 was a good entertainment product and competitive event. The outcome has crippled society and rent garments from coast to coast, but the first-ever overtime Super Bowl produced more than enough drama and memories to qualify as one of our best title games in any sport ever.

But it could've been even better if the NFL had college football's overtime rule.

First: No, I'm not complaining about this because I'm a Falcons fan. I said the same thing about last year's Packers-Cardinals playoff game. Even while watching, I didn't think, "This is unfair." As soon as Atlanta failed to square up for a field goal in the fourth quarter, I knew deep down that we deserved to eventually lose.

But! Even the uninvested viewer would've had something to gain from seeing not just Tom Brady plowing through an exhausted defense, but also Matt Ryan having a chance to equalize.

In case you're unfamiliar: CFB OT means both teams trade possessions until one of them can't keep up with the other on the scoreboard, starting at the 25. Starting in the third overtime, two-point conversions are mandatory. That's pretty much it.

The Falcons still would've faced longer odds, considering the condition of their defense at that point and the condition of Brady’s Brady-ness, but the ending would've felt like less of a foregone conclusion than was allowed by Hey, The Greatest QB Ever Won The Coin Toss.

I don't know how to convince you I'm saying this out of general goodwill and not because of pouting, but that's fine.

More college football

Bill C's 130-team projected rankings for 2017 are already out, lol.
Also, Bill's 130-team preview series begins with Coastal Carolina, the teal-field team with the CEO coach.
Ah, here's a new and bad Baylor headline.
The very wide range of people who apply for head coaching jobs, from those who send in books to those who nominate Jerry Glanville to those who promise to work for snacks.
After winning yet another Super Bowl, Bill Belichick said something that reminded us of his buddy Nick Saban.
Don't judge your new coach too much by his first recruiting class. The second one is the telling one.
This Signing Day's biggest surprises and disappointments.
Throw another $208 million on the pile of money the NCAA's paying out to former players.
Signing Day sensation and All-Name Team captain Kobe Buffalomeat hit the big time, doing Jimmy Kimmel's show.
This video of a croot committing to Oregon will give you warm vibes.
How Austin Peay had FCS' best recruiting class, which is kind of like Kansas having FBS' best class.
Anyway, as of this very second, Kansas has a top-10 class for 2018.
"Brady Hoke to Tennessee" feels like an internet joke, but it's not that bad of an idea.
Still shouting with laughter at Tennessee's DOT making a video about road salt to make fun of Lane Kiffin.
Look at FSU's honey-fried chicken and commit. That's what No. 1 DT Marvin Wilson did.

Patriots have played in 7 Super Bowls with Tom Brady and they've all been instant classics

The New England Patriots have never been in a boring Super Bowl under head coach Bill Belichick. They’ve made seven trips, they’ve played seven incredible games.

Sunday’s six-point win over the Falcons was the largest margin of victory the team has ever seen in a Super Bowl with Belichick on the sideline; every other game they played was decided by three or four points. Two came down to field goals with fewer than 10 seconds left on the clock. One came down to an end zone interception with 20 seconds to play.

And, most recently, the Pats capped the greatest comeback in Super Bowl history with a two-yard scoring plunge on the game’s final play.

Tom Brady’s inclusion in the Super Bowl has been a boon for advertisers stuck with fourth quarter time slots. Every time the Patriots play for an NFL title, the final 15 minutes of the game becomes appointment viewing. The four-time Super Bowl MVP has been the catalyst behind 77 fourth quarter and overtime points with the franchise.

Sorting the franchise’s biggest games by order of watchability is a tall task, but a valuable exercise in clutch plays on both sides of the ball. Here’s the definitive list of New England Super Bowls, ranging from nap material to late game rallies that induce more sweat and panicky breathing than a bottle of Blair’s Death Sauce.

9. Super Bowl XX: Bears 46, Patriots 10
8. Super Bowl XXXI: Packers 35, Patriots 21

Two boring remnants from the pre-Belichick era sandwich a wasteland of terrible football. We remember No. 9 because a 300-pound defensive lineman scored a touchdown. We remember No. 8 because Desmond Howard ripped out the hearts of Patriots fans with a 99-yard kickoff return touchdown in the third quarter. Ultimately, these were bad games, no matter what Chicago and Green Bay fans say.

7. Super Bowl XXXIX: Patriots 24, Eagles 21

The fact Terrell Owens isn’t in the Hall of Fame is proof this game remains the most easily forgotten of New England’s Super Bowl wins. The outspoken wide receiver made a stunning recovery from a broken leg to catch nine passes for 126 yards. Unfortunately, that wasn’t enough to overcome Brady and his own coach’s bizarre clock management.

Philadelphia trailed 24-14 with just under six minutes to play when it got the ball back on its own 21-yard line. Rather than execute a hurry-up offense, Andy Reid took a more relaxed approach. By the time Greg Lewis’ 30-yard touchdown catch made this a one-possession game, the two-minute warning had come and gone. A failed onside kick pretty much sealed this one, though the aborted rally did give us the urban legend of Donovan McNabb puking during the most important game of his life.

6. Super Bowl XLVI: Giants 21, Patriots 17

New York overcame a 17-9 second half deficit thanks in part to Mario Manningham’s over-the-shoulder, tiptoe catch down the sideline. However, this game was slightly boring, featuring only four touchdowns but cementing Eli Manning’s status as the only man who can derail the Patriots’ dynasty.

5. Super Bowl XXXVIII: Patriots 32, Panthers 29

This game went from boring to bananas extremely quickly, and the fact it’s only ranked fifth is a testament to how great the rest of these games are. No one scored for the first 26:55 before the floodgates opened. The two teams combined for 24 points in the final three-plus minutes, took the third quarter off, and then blew up for 37 more in a bonkers fourth.

An 85-yard bomb from Jake Delhomme to Muhsin Muhammad gave Carolina its first lead of the game with 6:53 left, but a two-yard pass to linebacker/touchdown machine Mike Vrabel put the Pats up by seven with fewer than three minutes to play. Delhomme ran a masterful two-minute drill to knot this game back up and kick off a million “no Super Bowl has ever gone to overtime” talking points.

But like the Rams two years prior, the Panthers gave Brady and Adam Vinatieri too much time to counterpunch. John Kasay’s ensuing kickoff went out of bounds, leaving a short field for Brady, who calmly drove his offense 37 yards to set up Vinatieri’s game-winning 41-yard kick.

Also, we saw Janet Jackson’s nipple, and it was wearing armor like a tiny Spartan soldier, which was neat.

4. Super Bowl XXXVI: Patriots 20, Rams 17

The game that made Brady a star and got thousands of New England fans telling John Madden to shut his fat mouth. New England was a two-touchdown underdog thanks to the unheralded second-year quarterback behind center and a roster that weighed heavily both young, unproven players (Brady, Richard Seymour, Kevin Faulk) other team’s castaways (Vrabel, Antowain Smith, Otis Smith). Across the sideline were the Rams, led by a Hall of Fame quarterback and The Greatest Show on Turf.

The Patriots were able to grind their way to a 17-3 fourth-quarter lead, but 2002 Kurt Warner was not a force to be contained for long. He rallied St. Louis to two late touchdown drives that made the Rams’ ascension to mini-dynasty a foregone conclusion. When New England got the ball back on its own 17-yard line with 1:21 to play, Madden implored the team to play for overtime rather than risk losing.

Instead, Brady did what he does best, turning anonymous players into stars en route to a jaw-dropping win. He completed passes to Troy Brown, J.R. Redmond, and Jermaine Wiggins to set up Vinatieri’s 48-yard game winning field goal. The ball dropped through the uprights as time expired, and the Patriots earned their first-ever NFL championship.

3. Super Bowl XLII: Giants 17, Patriots 14

New England’s 19-0 season was chewed up and spit out by a Giants defense that adjusted masterfully after giving up 38 points to Brady and his offense in the final game of the regular season. The Patriots were 12.5-point favorites, but scored the fewest points they had all season in a stunning defeat.

Those 14 points were nearly enough to win, too. The Patriots took a 14-10 lead late in the fourth quarter on a six-yard touchdown toss to Randy Moss, then looked to have the game wrapped up when an Eli Manning pass wound up in the hands of All-Pro cornerback Asante Samuel. But Samuel couldn’t corral the ball, and his drop gave New York new life. The opportunity led to this display of all-time wizardry from Manning and David Tyree.

Four plays later, an end zone fade route to Plaxico Burress gave the Giants a dramatic win and erased New England’s bid to be the greatest team of all time.

2. Super Bowl XLIX: Patriots 28, Seahawks 24

Malcolm Butler had a bad game against the Falcons on Sunday. He could have stood at midfield singing campfire songs for 60 minutes and it still would have been a net win for New England. The undrafted cornerback’s end zone interception of Russell Wilson preserved the Patriots’ fourth Super Bowl win and may be the most clutch play in Super Bowl history.

Butler’s play is the headliner, but Brady’s ability to drive his team back from a 10-point fourth-quarter deficit was the true difference maker. The veteran quarterback had played poorly early, even taking points off the scoreboard with an ill-advised interception in the end zone. Then, with the game on the line, he completed 14 of his final 16 passes to lead New England to a pair of touchdowns and set up Butler’s heroic pick.

No Super Bowl has ever swung so wildly on a single play.

1. Super Bowl LI: Patriots 34, Falcons 28 (OT)

Didn’t think anything could top Butler’s dramatic interception? It turns out you’d need a game that tied or set 31 different Super Bowl records to do so. Brady looked like garbage in the first half; his passes came in soft and were strangely inaccurate for the legendary passer. A bullying Falcons pass rush kept him from getting comfortable and doing Brady things, even capitalizing on a misread for an 82-yard Robert Alford pick-six.

That changed in the second half. The Patriots shored up the holes in their offensive line and Brady went to work. A 28-3 deficit shrunk like plastic in the oven, aided by some questionable playcalling from Atlanta offensive coordinator Kyle Shanahan. As the clock wound down on an “everything has to go right” situation, every outcome came up New England.

As if the fates weren’t telegraphing the outcome enough, the Patriots even got their own version of Tyree’s helmet catch.

Brady kept completing passes, finding holes in the Atlanta secondary en route to a record 462 passing yards. James White, the unheralded third-down back who spent the season overshadowed by LeGarrette Blount and Dion Lewis, set his own title game record with 14 receptions. A defense that was gashed for 28 points in a 15:17 span went the final 27 minutes of the game without surrendering a single point.

No team in the NFL has ever done what the Patriots did Sunday night. At this juncture, those record breaking, sweaty-palmed, beer gripping performances are becoming the standard for which New England Super Bowls have become known